Under The Sun

“I have seen something else under the sun:

The race is not to the swift
    or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
    or wealth to the brilliant
    or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.

12 Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come:

As fish are caught in a cruel net,
    or birds are taken in a snare,
so people are trapped by evil times
    that fall unexpectedly upon them,” Ecclesiastes 9:11-12

Sunday’s sermon hit a place in my heart I haven’t been ready to pilgrimage through.  The harshness of death was brought to the forefront as we examined this passage.

The book of Ecclesiastes is altogether full of hope, and the meaninglessness of life.  Two perspectives we have all surely gone between.  Hidden in these ironies is a wealth of wisdom, if we open our hearts to receive it.

Dive with me for a minute.

The books main author, Solomon, is said to have been the wealthiest and wisest man to have ever lived.  By today’s distinctions, he could be called a New York Times Best Selling Author, Forbes Wealthiest Man, GQ’s Most Handsome Man of the Year, Time’s Most Influential Person, you get the idea.  But at the end of his days, he found what all do, the same fate we all share and pondered the same things we have.

Why do we suffer such loss?  How does a good God let death come to both the good and the evil?  How are we to spend our days in light of Eternity?

Picking up a paper or scrolling the news on any given day will beckon us to ask these very same questions.  When we lose a loved one, when our blue family grieves another loss.

We know that Solomon reminds us, “All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not.

As it is with the good,
    so with the sinful;
as it is with those who take oaths,
    so with those who are afraid to take them.,” verse 2.

Did you catch that?  “As it is with those who take oaths, so with those who are afraid to take them.”  I have never noticed that outlined in these lamentations from Solomon is a striking reminder that even our Heroes, those who take oaths, do not know what fate awaits them.  Such is the human condition.

Blaise Pascal describes death in a morbid, terrifying sort of way.  He describes a party where the guests are enthralled in conversation, drinking, and eating.  When all of a sudden a vicious monster opens the ballroom door and grabs one of the guests.  They all stop and stare for moments after…Then they begin to return to their conversations as if nothing had happened.  This is how we act toward death he says.  We all know it lingers outside the ballroom of our life but we carry on as if it doesn’t.  Is that a bad thing?  Should we be lying in wait, anticipating the return of the vicious monster?

Learning to number our days is to walk in wisdom.

However as wives and those who have experienced a LODD close to home, its important that fear does not control our everyday lives.  Wrestling between our mortality and why the good guys fall is one of the heaviest journeys I’ve been on yet as a police wife.   Understanding time and purpose is something I don’t know if I’ll ever grasp.

In our hearts we try to reason.  We try to understand how someone with so much to live for could be taken so abruptly from us.

It seems unfair and by all accounts, it is.  How can the same fate come to us all.  Does the way we spend our days not matter to a loving God?  Of course it does.  What would cause God to put such a heavy loss on loved ones left behind?  For that only Heaven knows.

Verse 3, “This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all.”

Trusting in the goodness of God after a verse like this can be challenging to say the least.  I know, I’ve been there the last six months.

This one thing I do know, we must live in light of Eternity.  We must accept that the very end that can bring such pain can also bring freedom.  We must believe, above all, that when the Good Guys fall, God is heartbroken.  He too is reliving the pain of death felt by watching His Son die.  He has been where we are.  He has seen the darkest evil in men and the honor and selflessness one holds to lay down their life for another.  This is our reconciliation. 


thin_blue_line (1)

I’ve hardly had the emotional energy to course these waters but the hurt deep inside from such tragedy calls me to do just that.  A path to healing is a path paved with trust.  Trust in something and someone bigger than us.  Without this trust, the thought of sending my Officer out the door for another shift would be overwhelming.

“But you, you God, are the most faithful of friends, the most trustworthy of confidants, and the most gracious of Fathers.”  Words given to me in one of the darkest days and I offer them to you today.  Meditate on them, trust them.

“You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book,” Psalm 56:8.  There will come a day when we will remember the toiling of this life no more.

Always Praying For You.


A New Year, An Eternal Calling


There is something so idyllic about New Years Eve.  The festivities, the lights, the bubbles in your glass and aspirations on your mind.

My hero is working the street tonight.  I’ve spent the evening fighting a cold while getting my little ones to bed, only to curl up with the dog and watch TV.

But my heart is heavy with the news of yet another officer down this morning.  It seems 2017 couldn’t be done yet.


5 Deputies shot, one has died, and another agency is left reeling between pain and duty.  Following the initial news, sentiments pour out across social media and as details emerge its an all too familiar story.  A hero with a heart to serve has left behind a devastated family.  The deep stab of tragedy pierces the heart of those both blood and blue once again.

My heart is left with the same question I have asked over and over and over.  For what?  Two beautiful little girls will never see their dad again and for what? … One more dirt bag drug dealer will go back to prison and that newborn baby will never be held by her momma again, for what? … He had just started on the job and lost his life on the side of the highway and for what?


Their calling is higher than my mind could ever begin to unpack.  It carries a purpose, an Eternal weight that is altogether made of the highest honor and the heaviest of burdens.   Every day they have the opportunity to make lasting impacts on people during some of their most vulnerable moments.  They bring peace to chaos, stability to hectic situations, and protection to those who need it most.

That is their “why” and their service will forever echo in Eternity.

Witnessing their sacrifice makes me question my own “why.”  It beckons me to examine my own calling as the wife to a hero.

How do I fulfill all that I believe I am called to be to my husband and children?  On the days when the late hours and early mornings catch up to me and its all I can do to make sure everyone is bathed and fed.  How do I respond in happiness to a husband that I haven’t seen in a week.  How do I keep peace in my heart when every alarm bell goes off every time I see another tragedy.  And do I truly, truly believe that my job too is an Eternal one?

I do.  Absolutely.

I have the incredible responsibility to bring peace to his chaotic day, joy to an evening full of sorrow and a safe place to rest when the world he has been in has felt like a battle zone.

Don’t misunderstand me friends, this doesn’t come naturally.  Bitterness, frustration, and yes even anger at feeling like I’m doing life alone some days would take over if I let it.

But I won’t.

And neither should you.

Our days are numbered and our every day actions have an everlasting impact, just like theirs.  Your position matters and your opportunity to love them as only a police spouse can is invaluable.


Here’s to a safe, healthy and successful in all the right ways New Year.  In the words of my little guy Max, may 2018 bring you nothing but Honor and Peace.

“Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God.”  Matthew 5:9 


Today, I’m Grateful

Swirling around in my head over the last few weeks have been striking reminders of why I am so grateful. 

That may seem strange, considering my beloved husband has been home and in pain after being injured on duty.  This in the midst of me finishing a licensing, our middle starting Pre-K and our littlest deciding she wants to be on full blown toddler status, you Mommas know what I mean.




Scrambling through my day today, a squad car pulled up in front of my house.  Not for the same reason as another family here in the Midwest but rather just for my guy to hitch a ride to court since he can’t drive.  Lord, today I’m grateful.

See, he’s had had to deal with a crummy city doc that had no problem sharing his opinion of police.  He had to wait weeks for surgery and now sit for more weeks until he can start physical therapy.  Weeks.  Do something for me, imagine your husband home for just a week.  His arm in a sling, the recliner relocated to the foot of your bed, he can’t put his own socks on and there are three little kids running around.  Know how he’d feel?  Yeah, I’m there.

He is stir crazy.  But me, well, this wife is just glad he made it home.

Now, this young kid he was chasing probably wouldn’t have hurt him but he had no problem running from him.  He had no regard for all of those who pursued him and any injury that would bring on them, or anyone else for that matter.  The reckless behavior of one is causing my family weeks of our world turned upside down.  However, for us, it is only weeks, and today I’m grateful.

I scrolled through the news earlier, only to find an officer was gunned down early this morning.  A call for help during a domestic led to these men racing through the morning light to get to someone in need, only to be fired upon as soon as they got there.  Now a young son, wife and family, their world will forever be upside down.

As I saw his ODMP page, you can’t help but wonder how surreal that must be to see someone you love dearly with their name printed under their photo.  You just had dinner with them before they left last night.  They tucked your little one in to bed after letting them play with some gadget on their belt for the 100th time.  Your little one climbed with their little feet up the hard surface of their vest to give them one last hug.  I have seen this in my home more times than I can  count.  This is all something we prepare for but pray will never happen again, to any officer.  As you walk through these places in your mind, you get an overwhelming sense of gratitude that it isn’t your beloved spouse.  And all at once, a deep pain in your heart for the family that is left behind.

I’m grateful that my husband and dear dad to three little ones has always made it home.  This injury has given me a whole new perspective for those injured and medically retired and how important it is that no one forgets them.  The struggle, for some daily, to press on when the reckless actions of one forever changed their world, must not be forgotten.  May we all embrace the season of this life that we are in.  Whether he’s counting days to pension or you’ve got a new recruit that still shines their boots, may we all be grateful to have them home today.